The Thatch Advice Centre gets a lot of queries on a huge range of thatch related topics but one of the most frequent is chimney problems. In this article we will concentrate on a brilliant poem from a disgruntled thatch property owner or in their words “frozen and peeved of Gloucestershire” which sums up common chimney problem issues so well.
Potential Chimney Problems
The up to date Thatch Fire Safety advice includes a lot of sensible guidance on fire risks and how to reduce them. Chimneys are definitely included in those recommendations. Sadly, HETAS advice, Conservation departments, thatchers’ advice, insurance requirements and up to date thatch fire safety guidance don’t all currently “sing off the same hymn sheet”. Knee jerk reaction from insurers on recent research, conclusions made based on flawed statistics or no evidence and misinterpretation of guidance are all part of the mix. This mix makes chimney issues such unique problems to deal with when it comes to thatched properties.
The Chimney Problems Poem
The writer of the poem, L Kitson, has a 400 year old thatched property, Grade II Listed with a chimney and said “I couldn’t resist but write a poem about all this as it has got so ridiculous! Please feel free to use it (I would be grateful if you could acknowledge me though and with thanks to the original authors!).”
So, many thanks to Lynne for this wonderful poem, obviously based around ‘There’s a hole in my bucket’; which we believe originated from a German collection of songs Bergliederbuchlien (c 1700) ‘When the jug has a hole….’
We couldn’t resist singing it, but it’s up to you. It just explains a lot of the chimney problems which thatch property owners (and we,) are finding frustrating.
There’s a hole…
There’s a hole in my chimney, dear planners, dear planners,
There’s a hole in my chimney, dear planners, a hole.
Then mend it dear lady, dear lady, dear lady,
Then mend it dear lady, dear lady, mend it.
But the chimney needs raising, dear planners, dear planners
But the chimney needs raising, dear planners, raising.
Why does it need raising, dear lady, dear lady,
Why does it need raising, dear lady, why so?
Regulations dear planners, dear planners, dear planners
Regulations dear planners, dear planners, regulations.
So what is the problem, dear lady, dear lady,
So what is the problem, dear lady, what is?
Grade II Listed, dear planners, dear planners, dear planners,
Grade II Listed, dear planners, dear planners, Grade II.
And insurance, dear lady, dear lady, dear lady,
And insurance dear lady, dear lady insurance?
They say chimney height is fine, dear planners, dear planners,
They say chimney height is fine, dear planners, just fine.
So where is the issue, dear lady, dear lady,
So where is the issue dear lady, issue?
With HETAS dear planners, dear planners, dear planners,
With HETAS dear planners, dear planners, HETAS.
How come, dear lady, dear lady, dear lady,
How come, dear lady, dear lady, how come?
A minimum height clearance, dear planners, dear planners,
A minimum height clearance, dear planners, a minimum.
So will nobody touch it, dear lady, dear lady,
So will nobody touch it, dear lady, not touch?
No-one valuing HETAS registration, dear planners, dear planners,
No-one valuing HETAS registration, dear planners, no-one.
I can see there’s a problem, dear lady, dear lady,
I can see there’s a problem, dear lady, a problem.
Come for tea to discuss, dear planners, dear planners?
Come for tea to discuss, dear planners, for tea?
We could do that dear lady, dear lady, dear lady,
We could do that, dear lady, dear lady, do that.
Bring a jumper, dear planners, dear planners, dear planners,
Bring a jumper, dear planners, dear planners, a jumper.
Why so, dear lady, dear lady, dear lady?
Why so dear lady, dear lady, why so?
Cos it’s cold in my cottage, dear planners, dear planners,
Cos it’s cold in my cottage, dear planners, so cold.
Light the fire, dear lady, dear lady dear lady,
Light the fire, dear lady, dear lady, light a fire!
…………
There’s a hole in my chimney….
Another article on Chimney problems
We have helped a lot of people with their chimney problems and will continue to do so, but maybe we need to think about shaking everyone up again with another article around the issues raised in this wonderful poem.